There is a rule of quite sensible people that says: everything in moderation. This rule I am going to cheerfully ignore.
There is a rule of loud obnoxious people that says: go big or go home. This rule I am going to follow.
There is a term in psychology called state-dependent learning, which wikipedia describes as the effect of things learned in one state are most easily recalled when the subject is again put in that state. For this reason the writing of this product review will have to wait until I get another glass of wine.
Wine acquired--and let me tell you: last year was an excellent vintage--on to the Product review.
So I had a bit of a pest problem of late.
Normally I abide by the strictest of rather lax 'live and let live' policies. Somehow though there exists this class of living things which I tolerate to live in a general sense as long as they are not living where I am living.
My particular problem was flies. All of a sudden I woke up one morning to find an entire flock of flies buzzing around downstairs.
This was not to be tolerated for several reasons:
1) flies have an obscene fascination with my ankles and my person in general, and no matter how spastically I twitch them away they come right back.
2) they are one of the creatures the 'live and let live' rule does not apply to
3) they are dirty
4) I hate them
Usually, I would clean a few things and feel better but I had an entire buzzing barbarian horde flizzing around downstairs. My choice was clear. This was going to be a no holds bared cleaning holocaust.
Every dish was soaped spotless.
Every utensil was cleansed.
The floor was swept, scrubbed, and moped.
Furniture was moved, dusted, swept and mopped under.
Trash cans and recycle bins were purified.
All traces of flies, living or otherwise were obliterated.
And amidst the lemon scented aftermath I surveyed my triumph. All was glorious, right, and remarkably shiny.
My work done I retired to a glass of victory wine, and the embrace of the couch, only to discover my labors were not yet complete! I had forgotten a bottle of pink nail polish.
I had found it on the lower shelf of the coffee table, and set it aside for later.
I sipped my wine. I remembered seeing this pink nail polish before. It was Rachel's, my roommate's girlfriend, but it had been here forever. Probably was all dried out and not even good anymore.
Well if that was the case I could throw it out and gain another, though admittedly minor victory for the allied powers of cleanliness. A test was needed and instantly devised: I would try painting the nail of someone's big toe. If everything went as I suspected nothing would happen and I could throw the bottle out.
A test pilot was needed to command this risk filled mission and instantly volunteered. I! I would be the hero to determine if the polish worked. The risks were huge and terrible, the reward trivial.Life, limb, and pink painted nails were on the line here, there was zero room for error.
Another sip of wine and I began.
As much as several moments passed in the dreadful anticipation of waiting. Wondering if the stuff was a dud only to discover-----!
That no, it still worked.
So then I had a painted nail. Fortunatley by this time I had consumed most of the glass of wine and another brilliant scheme was hatched: I would paint the other big toe, to even things out.
By the time that was done I had consumed the whole glass and the decision was clear I should really just go ahead and paint all my toes.
This is how I ended up with pink toe nails.
Now to the product review:
Nail polish is a lot trickier to apply than it appears at first. Some painters tape to put around the edges of my nails would have been quite helpful.
I also discovered that I have far from a steady hand, and at the rate at which the stuff dries it is impossible to get an even coat.
Other than that this stuff is bright enough to put your eyes out and will bring a silent knowing smile to your face when you think about what your coworkers would say if they knew at that precise moment your toes had pink nail polish on them.
Now you know, choose wisely.
