The Wanted: Wanting for Nearly Everything

There are some criteria for having a successful pop band:

1. you can have comically attractive band members or
2. you can have rich substantive lyrics or 
3. you can have a wildly catchy beat 

I'm Glad You Came by The Wanted however, has none of these things.

Attractive Band Members
The first mistake made in this video is that the director clearly went to the guys and said "Ok mates, what we're going to do for this shot has pan to each of you giving the camera your sexiest face. The girls will eat it up."

The second mistake was that the results of this gag reel were put in the first 20 seconds of the video. But lets go through them one by one shall we?

Max George: the buzz shaved one, for his sexy face goes with a face of deep contemplation. It was if some attractive woman had just asked him to add 3 and 5, like he is about to reply in his most seductive voice "Shhh girl, lets not talk about algebra right now."

Nathan Sykes: the bookish one. I would say that for his sexy face he pretends he is a puppy, but that appears to just be what he does all the time. Sure in this picture he is dressed like a gay cabin boy from a 1800's whaler but he is paler than chalk so that must mean he is attractive to British women right? I hope not because his sexy face is filled with as much passion and character as a bus stop.

Siva Kaneswaran: the almost foreign one. The simple fact that he has skin tone has to make you question if he is British or not but with lips thicker than a phone book the question is put to rest. It is only his musty sense of fashion that assures one that he is one of the Queen's men because no one but a Brit would wear such things. His sexy face is top notch, with parted lips staring wistfully into the rising sun. This I am sure is what was going through his mind at the time. Unfortunately if you watch the video is some guy with enormous lips looking like he is choking on his own tongue.

Jay McGuiness: The only band member that is even slightly attractive. He is paler than bleach, tall, with a mop of curly hair. He didn't make himself look like an idiot attempting a sexy face, and by the way he dances is quite obviously British. The scene of him dancing is like watching a toddler that has managed to stand but hasn't quite mastered walking. One gets the feeling that the director took the model he was dancing with aside and said to her "Look, I need you to make the best of it you can. We've done 30 takes already, he still hasn't got it and we're out of time." You also get the feeling the other band mates know he is the only halfway decent looking one and secretly hate him for it. Which is why he is always banished to the edge of the group in any photo.

Tom Parker: The Scarecrow one. The similarities are astonishing, not only does he look like he hasn't eaten in weeks but his eyes are completely flat. When putting on your sexy face you stare off into the distance like you are to burdened with thoughts of this one girl you ardently desire and can't get out of your head, like a beautiful symphony playing in your mind that you heard live and will never hear again. This guy stare off into the distance and you expect to see the look of silent music in his eyes and instead you see--nothing. It is as if there is not even the faintest spark of thought in that grey matter between his ears. Instead of putting on a sexy face he seems to have been impersonating someone in a vegetative state.

Clearly then we have not gone the overwhelmingly attractive band member's route. What about the second category?

Lyrical Content:
I was watching the video and I was a little ways in when the chorus started up and I realized that I could not remember the main verse. When I watched it again I discovered that I could not remember the main verse because there isn't one.

The song is literally the chorus twice repeated.

It's a plan so stupid it might be brilliant! So moronic it just might work! I say might there because I was being kind. Really, no. It's just stupid.

To make matters worse the lyrics they do have are laughable. Trying to dive into them to get some greater meaning is like taking a high dive into some sea foam that washed up on shore, you're just kidding yourself. These lyrics, sound as mature and thoughtful as the scribblings of a middle schooler about his crush.

"I like you a lot
more than I like Friday pizza lunch days."

Thank god no one buys cd's anymore or they'd have to print the lyrics on the inside of the front booklet for everyone to see.

Clearly then they did not get famous by lyrical merit. What about the third category?

A Catchy Beat:
All I have to say here is that while the band is British, whoever put their music together was French. You can tell by the prominent accordion in the song.

Manager: This song needs something...
Composer: Accordion!
Manger: Accordion?
Composer: Accordion!
Manager: errr, are you sure?
Composer: Accordion!
Manager: You're right! How could I have not seen it before? Yes, lets add lots of accordion.

What then could possibly redeem this song to account for this group's popularity?

Well, I have thought long and hard about this and here is what I have come up with: accents.

These guys have British accents. Women love British accents. It is that simple.



You're welcome.