4 ways your uber driver can tell you aren't going to tip

Members of the public often think that service industry people should be pulling out all the stops all the time in hopes of making that big fat tip.

Service industry people however, know that, in reality, not only are the vast majority of people not going to tip, they were never going to tip no matter how good the service was.

Here are 4 signs one salty driver has picked up that can tell him you're not going to tip.

Tell me you're going to tip

You're trying to coax your drunk friend into the car to get her home because she is blackout drunk and parading around like a cat with its back up but she isn't as convinced that being sensible is a good idea.

So in between shouting her name and ejaculating "Come On!" into the night you assure me with ever greater fervor that you are going to tip me more than you've ever tipped anyone in your entire life.

I look on resignedly as we both watch the clock tick my profit away. 

Finally, some ten minutes later after several failed attempts you have your friend in the car who then proceeds to use her outdoor voice to holler out exactly what song she wants to hear on the radio.

You're trying to keep me focused on the tip you're going to give me but it's hard to hear over the offkey strains of Rihanna errupting out of your friends throat. 

By the time we get to your destination your mouth is full of thanks, but now you've got your hands full getting Ms. drunk and disorderly someplace where she'll hopefully pass out peacefully. 

Any thought of tipping is gone from your mind before the car door closes.

Ironically the people who swear up and down and wax eloquent about the magnificent size of their tip are the people who never tip.

Be a Child

Children are highschool through college age. 

People who are old enough to go out in the world on their own but not yet adult enough to have broken from "the world revolves around me" thinking.

You just waited 20 minutes for an uber ride. Why? 

Because you're in the middle of no-where at 3am when all the other uber drivers have gone to bed.

So you waited for me to drive 20 minutes to come get you, then another 7 minutes because you've just realized you screwed up your location and you aren't where you told me you'd be.

When I finally find you and get you home you slump off without a backwards glance. 

After all, its way past your bed time. Any thoughts about the guy who just delivered you to your nice warm bed will have to wait until never; 

because you're a child and it is simply the duty of all adults to get you out of your binds.

Don't Speak

Me: Howdy there!

Rider: .....

Me: How 'you doing this evening?

Rider: .......

When you walk into your living room you don't greet the couch, because that wouldn't make sense.

When you summon an uber driver to take you where you want to go, same thing.

If your uber driver is basically a couch why would you tip him?

Do you tip your couch after a particularly comfy sit?

Be Running Late

You're being late means four things to me.

1. It means you won't be ready when I arrive (because you're running late) so I'm probably going to have some time to kill before you want me to be in an extreme hurry.
2. It means you'll get in in shambles and explain that you'll reward me handsomely for making time.
3. It means you're going to fill the car with that brittle stink of high anxiety the entire ride.
4. It means that when we arrive after I've set a land speed record to rescue your day you'll dash off, and with all the things you now have to catch up on who really has time to go into their phone again to tip? Besides, right now you gotta go sell the boss on how you were all set to arrive on time this time but the darned uber driver was late and then got lost on the way here and then just drove around the building in circles refusing to let you out while cackling maniacally.

End Rant

I don't want to make it out like everyone is a scumbag.

There are people I've met and talked to that I have profoundly enjoyed. People with wit and interesting ideas.

So I'll close with one final observation:

The people who don't tip by and large aren't successful. The people who do tip are.

Now, you can argue: Of course the people who tip are more successful, they have more to give away.

However I think you have it backwards, the people who tip are more successful because they just do nice things for other people even when they don't have to.

Be a person who tips.