Top Books to Read pt 5

 Here we are,
the final edition of the Top Books to read.

All of this sparked because when I looked up the top books people were reading the lists rapidly devolved into garbage. This surely means that I alone have the right way of thinking about authors.

That or my list is similarly garbage, but hey
I'm having fun writing it so whatever!

The rules:
Many books are worthy but had to be excluded because I have not read them.
I limited myself to using each author only once, but if you like them you should keep reading, almost all of them have many works to chose from.
This list is mostly fiction because its what I read.

This list is designed to make you both well read and interesting at parties, and is in no particular order.

**NOTE**
In this, the final installment, I have inverted the order of author - title for many of our entries.
This because for many of the books here I am focused on the singular work, rather than recommending the author generally. Mostly this is because I have not read any of their other works and am not familiar with the authors more broadly, outside of these particular works.

But let us proceed to the first entry.

41. The Dictator's Handbook - Bruce Bueno de Mesquita and Alastair Smith
    Genre: Non-Fiction
    Ever wonder why it is dictatorships invest their money so bizarrely? Like a hugely expensive works project that benefits only a few while the rest of the population lives in squalor? This book illuminates the reasoning behind why dictators spend their capital the way they do, and how it translates into them maintaining power and authority. A wonderfully clear eyed look at the way things work.

 42. How to be Miserable - Randy Patterson
    Genre: Non-Fiction
    Another book in the proud line of taking a big topic and breaking it down into simple things that I find super useful. I also love the way the author inverted expectations and instead of explaining how to be happy he goes over the research on what makes people deeply unhappy in ways they don't always notice outright. Anyway, great book with practical take aways.

43. What Every Body is Saying - Joe Navarro
    Genre: Non-Fiction
    The author is at pains to say, repeatedly, there is no 'tell' for lying or deception, rather that a gesture is either high energy or low energy and by taking a look at how a person is positioning or moving their body can give you a lot of signals about how they are feeling even if they aren't necessarily aware that they are sending such signals. We are super social creatures after all.
    Funny side story: years ago when I read this I think the author had his email in the book. And for reasons I can't remember, in my excitement about the book I emailed him some dumb question thinking there was no way in hell someone with his credentials would even see it.
Well, he did, not only that, he even answered, a gesture of kindness that has forever put him in my good graces.

44. Jordan B Peterson - 12 Rules for Life
    Genre: Non-Fiction
    Controversial pick, but one I stand behind. His rules are practical, actionable, and more importantly: they're right. I have a poster with the rules printed out right by my desk as I write this. I found this work cut right to the heart of things. If you like that I also recommend his biblical lectures, this coming from a guy without a religious upbringing, who has not read the Bible (hence it's absence from this list). If you find yourself in a hole and you can't get out and you can't figure out why. If there was one book I could hand you, it'd be this one.

45. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
    Genre: Fiction
    From one controversial novel to another. I don't know, is this novel still controversial? Not sure, but it'll sure make you feel disgusting. If you haven't encountered an unreliable narrator before now, here you go, tossing you straight into the deep end. And you'll never guess the plot, turns out this guy is super into young gals, like real young gals.
Yes, it will turn your stomach, but you should read the work everyone casually references, that and even though the subject matter is vile those opening lines are exceptional.

46. House of Leaves - Mark Danielewski
    Genre: Horror
    I rarely find horror books actually frightening, but this book, starting with such a simple premise, is magnificent. You have to read this in the real 'book made out of paper' form, no audio books, no ebooks. It is an experimental novel that went right in all the best ways. Read this as part of a book club because it was way outside my wheelhouse but man oh man did this pay off. I think the reason this book works so well is because it allows my own imagination to do all the heavy lifting. Wonderful book.

47. Edgar Allan Poe - The Cask of Amontillado
    Genre: Horror
    Speaking of Horror, one of the greats here. The Cask of Amontillado, The Fall of the House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Masque of the Red Death, The Tell Tale Heart, all classics you should read, Poe is a master. Indeed, The Raven, possibly his most famous work I would rate less than all these others I've named.
Unrelated but if you like Poe you should also read The Yellow Wall Paper, a short story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

48. Alan Moore - The Watchmen
    Genre: Comic Book
    Or as some might term them: graphic novel. Alan Moore is a writer's writer who went into comic books, his plots and his characters are complex and interesting. No rock'em-sock'em BOOM-POW superheroes here. I think additionally this entry is good because I do not believe you need to turn your nose up at graphic novels to be a serious literati and Alan Moore is proof positive of that point.

49. Stieg Larson - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
    Genre: Fiction
    Interesting to bring in the Nordic perspective. The central character (the titular Girl) is maybe a bit overdone from what I remember in that the book will go: tech problem! Genius girl: taps furiously at keyboard. Solved!
Ok it isn't that simple and its a fun ride with unexpected twists, so I enjoyed it, and it can get pretty brutal and real.

50. Pierce Brown - Red Rising
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    Audible was recommending this to me endlessly before I finally gave in and read it, though ironically I read it in paper form as a loan from my local library. Could not put it down. Is it complicated, and nuanced, with rich character development? Maybe it won't last the centuries but it is an awesome time.
Think game of thrones in space for maybe a slightly younger crowd, maybe Ender's Game level (lots of games here).
Anyway here is another author who is not afraid to kill off characters which makes it interesting, but then when I finished the original trilogy I refused to read the follow on novels because I was too afraid he would take the characters I liked, that managed to survive, and kill them and I wasn't emotionally prepared for that. Still haven't read them. But if you are bolder than I you should consider them.

And just like that our list is complete.
Of the 50 how many have you read?
Was there anyone that I should have included? (You're going to list both author and title because they're exclusion from this list may mean I haven't actually read their work)
Is there any author you tried from this list that had you deep dive into their material?

Next up I think I'll compile a list (much shorter) of either books I didn't like or ones that I perhaps might like if I were cleverer.

Until next time, let me know!

Top Books to Read pt4

You'll never guess what this post is about.
Yes, I have still more books I think people should read
Welcome to instalment 4: the legend continues to continue. 

How did we get here?

Well, I looked up top book lists and they were all hot garbage.

So I've made my own list.

Many books are worthy but had to be excluded because I have not read them.
I limited myself to using each author only once, but if you like them you should keep reading, almost all of them have many works to chose from.
This list is mostly fiction because its what I read.

This list is designed to make you both well read and interesting at parties, and is in no particular order.

That said, let us begin!

31. Jane Austin - Pride and Prejudice
    Genre: Victorian
    Perhaps our lone representative from the Victorians.
    I'm not super enthusiastic about Jane Austen but of all the contemporary authors you could reel off, she stands head and shoulders above the crowd, she is the one your friends who don't read much might have read, and even if they haven't they'd still know her name and Mr Darcy.
    Maybe I'll catch flack for not listing Dickens, but spoiler: I don't like Dickens.
    You're free to try and convince me I'm underestimating his genius, the genius of being paid by the word and taking forever to say anything.
    Other Victorians you might enjoy that I've read but not on this list:
H.G. Wells: Time Machine, War of the Worlds, Invisible Man,
Mary Shelley: Frankenstein
Bram Stoker: Dracula
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: Sherlock Holmes

32. Margaret Mitchell - Gone with the Wind
    Genre: Historical Fiction
    Holy Smokes!
    Honestly, I was floored by this novel.
    There is no way I should have been as interested in this story as I was, especially considering it was easily in the longer works camp. I could not put this one down, and when I had other things I had to do I would have that nervous energy where I was itching to get back to reading on. The plot is driven entirely by the characters who are masterfully written.  The author is spectacular, and while I see the movie referenced all the time (which I still haven't seen), I never hear her name mentioned.
    Strong female protagonist who is captivating to watch vacillate between being soft as cushions and hard as nails.

33. Neil Gaimen - American Gods
    Genre: Fiction
    Big popular author, I remember liking American Gods quite a bit, that it had me guessing as to how the plot was going to resolve itself the whole time. That the writing was great, I've always meant to read more of Gaimen's works and never quite have. I think his sandman series is pretty popular?

34. Andy Wier - The Martian
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    Aside from the set up of there being a powerful Martian dust storm --Mars has a rather thin atmosphere, a 'Martian storm' would be a light puff of breeze-- this book is focused on the science, and its awesome. A rescue craft that blows itself to pieces because they forgot to factor in that food would liquify under a high G launch, slosh around, changing the balance, spin the rocket out where it detonates? The attention to details, combined with the engineering behind the equipment, how the harsh environment is, at every moment, trying to kill the stranded astronaut, and all the clever solutions he comes up with makes for a great story.
    Just don't read Project Hail Mary

35. F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby
    Genre: Fiction
    When I read this in gradeschool I hated this book because I despised the characters in it. I didn't realize at the time: that was the point. You are supposed to loath Daisy and Tom. Knowing that that totally reversed my opinion of the novel, its fantastic.

36. George Orwell - 1984
    Genre: Dystopia
    A book that gets referenced all the time, but be warned its dark, so very dark. Now, you could read the much shorter Animal Farm, but that is just as dark.
Anyway, a book you should read but won't necessarily make you happy.

37. Geoffrey Chaucer - The Canterbury Tales
    Genre: Poetry
    Reaching real far back for a little fun. Just a bunch of people telling stories to pass the time. Extra points for this one if you read it in the original middle English. Middle English does not look like modern English but if you read a page or so you can fall into a rhythm were it makes sense.
I'm explaining it poorly
its like those optical illusions you can only see by unfocusing your eyes.

38. Beowulf
    Genre: Poetry
    Even older, no author to cite because its that old.
    Beowulf rocks up with his Posse Comitatus to help out the king, kills a monster but is then forced to deal with the monsters mother who is even bigger and badder.
Michael Crichton wrote a book that became a movie Eaters of the Dead (starring Antonio Banderas) that took a lot of inspiration from this poem.

39. Alexandre Dumas - The Three Musketeers
    Genre: Fiction
    Just a rollicking good time back in the days of dueling and single shot pistols and big plummed hats. Throw in court intrigues, love affairs, and murder, what more could you ask for? The characters are famous, read the work that invented them.

40. Jack London - Sea Wolf
    Genre: Fiction
    I've always enjoyed Jack London. As an accomplishment for having a character that does not speak White Fang is top tier. For my recommendation however I'll put Sea Wolf because Wolf Larson is an interesting character in the way he thinks. Admittedly the final scene is a touch weak but I can forgive it that because the rest of the book is great.

Ok, just one more part to round out the list so stay tuned for the final installment.
Is there anyone in this one you think doesn't belong?
Who do you think will make an appearance in the final list?
(Hint: I'm going mostly modern for the last list)

Let me know!

Top Books to Read pt3

 Time for part 3 already?
Yes it is!

Hopefully you're enjoying the list, but since I am enjoying writing it too bad even you don't.
The beatings shall continue until moral improves!

How did we get here?
Well, I looked up top book lists and they were all hot garbage.

So I've made my own list.

Many books are worthy but had to be excluded because I have not read them.
I limited myself to using each author only once, but if you like them you should keep reading, almost all of them have many works to chose from.
This list is mostly fiction because its what I read.

This list is designed to make you both well read and interesting at parties, and is in no particular order.

21. Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse Five
    Genre: Fiction
    Vonnegut is another oddball in this collection. I think there is something worthwhile about his writing but I'd be hard pressed to tell you exactly what is it. I picked Slaughterhouse Five because I have forever after been repeating "So it goes." one of the mantras of the novel. Again he's got plenty of works out there so if he suites your taste theres lots to dive into.

22. Robert Heinlein - Starship Troopers
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    Obviously theres the fighting of the war against the bugs but more interesting is the political reality Heinlein posits, that in order to gain voting rights one must serve in the military.  Indeed the characters spend a good amount of time discussing ideas. Maybe you agree, maybe you don't but the ideas are interesting to explore.

23. Joe Haldeman - The Forever War
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    Taking time dilation seriously leads to some gnarly consequences in warfare on a galactic scale. By the time you get there the you may have the latest and greatest in tech but then a wave of enemies comes in with the next best thing and you are suddenly working with antiquated tech. Not to mention that when you go back home everyone you know is dead and society has moved on without you in directions you can't fathom.

24. John Sclazi - Old Man's War
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    An interesting premise with a rocket powered plot this story is a great time. What do you do with all your old people? Why you send them into space to fight your wars. Great story, great story telling, all round fantastic and he's written many follow on books in the same world.

25. Orson Scott Card - Ender's Game
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    I think Card is an underrated author. I found the dynamics between his characters and how people relate to one another fascinating, but more importantly: they rang true to me. Card his in finger on the pulse of something fundamental to human nature, that he can also spin a captivating tale is an added bonus. And make no mistake, I loved everything about the plot and story, it was just the psychology that put this over the top. I didn't read further into the Ender's series because I heard they got pretty trippy but I the concurrent Bean series was excellent.

26. Ernest Cline - Ready Player One
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    Want a hard dose of 80's and 90's nostalgia? Lord knows I didn't catch all the references this guy was throwing out but it was a rollicking good story. Not so keen on his other works. I read Armada and it just screamed of some publisher realizing how hot this author was and just throwing him buckets of money to throw out whatever half baked manuscript he had lying around. It was not good. Ready Player One on the other hand was polished and a great time, a summer blockbuster type of fun.

27. Lev Grossman - The Magicians Trilogy
    Genre: Fantasy
    WOW.
    Point one, this guy is clearly well read, there are references all over the place.
    Point two I am biased toward this series because the central character Quintin has so many of my own failings, foibles, and flaws that I just can't look away. Its always fun to follow a group of hyper intelligent people and that's who all of these type A characters are. Amidst the fun of magic there are some deadly serious messages in this, you should read all 3, each one is worth it in its own right.

28. Adrian Tchaikovsky - Children of Time
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    Modern day classic. When I first read this I actually thought it was much older than it was and somehow escaped my notice, but no it is relatively recent (2015). Not to give things away but the portions of the novel that followed Portia were by far the most interesting to me. I haven't yet had time to read his other works but this one is fantastic. A slight note of caution is that it might not be for the arachnophobes among us.

29. James Clavell - Shogun
    Genre: Historical Fiction
    Now the Lord of the Ring movies are old enough now that I don't have to play my hipster card
    but with the Hulu Shogun recently out I have to say it:
    I liked Shogun before it was cool.
    That said James Clavell is stupendous, every Clavell novel I've ever read I have to spend the first quarter of the book sorting out who exactly all the characters are. Clavell is just a master of multitudes, he will introduce 20 main characters all of different backgrounds and motivations, all weaving together to create a constantly shifting narrative that keeps you on edge. Truly master level stuff.
I've read all the way through Whirlwind but was never able to get myself over the hump of jumping into the middle east, the weakest of his works was I think Noble House? Only because of the bizarre 80's thinking about psychological programming at the very end.

30. Shakespeare - Romeo and Juliet
    Genre: Play
    Romeo and Juliet is just a stand in here.
    You should read as much Shakespeare as you possibly can.
    He is the greatest English writer ever.
    No one can rival Shakespeare, he was a genius pure and simple.
    Read his plays, read his poems, go to see his plays performed, especially if you don't follow all the language which even I don't, it will help immensely to see it acted out and it will make you a better, more thoughtful person.


Ok, that was a lot of Sci-Fi, but hopefully I spread things around a bit.
Anyone on this section of the list you think doesn't belong?
Anyone you think still hasn't been mentioned that needs to be?

Let me know.

Top Books to Read pt 2

 You were on the edge of your seat, weren't you?
Waiting with baited breath for my unsolicited book recommendations?

No?
Well, here they are anyway, the next installment of the best books to read

As a reminder:

Many books are worthy but had to be excluded because I have not read them.
I limited myself to using each author only once, but if you like them you should keep reading, almost all of them have many works to chose from.
This list is mostly fiction because its what I read.

This list is designed to make you both well read and interesting at parties, and is in no particular order.

and without further ado:

11. Machiavelli - The Prince
   Genre: Non-Fiction
    You know he's no mere mortal author when you only need the last name to know exactly who it is. The man became the byword for cut-throat. Prioritizing your self interest above all moral considerations using 'by any means necessary' tactics, manipulation of others, its what the man is about.

12. Homer - The Odyssey
    Genre: Epic Poetry
    Continuing the more classically oriented theme time to wade into the world of Greek myth where the heros are larger than life but still deeply flawed (in that way the Greeks loved) and there are a bevy of jealous gods running around causing chaos.

13. George R.R. Martin - Game of Thrones
    Genre: Fantasy
    Most authors, once you meet all the central characters, you can be pretty certain what ever binds they get themselves into they're coming out of it alive because the author doesn't want to put in the work of creating and introducing new cast members. Not so with GRRM.
    This guy kills off his characters left and right, there is a constant flow of new people to meet with their own origin stories and competing motivations. GRRM is also not one to be overly precious about his characters and even the heroic ones can be killed for the very things that make them heroic. His is a hard scrabble dog eat dog world that is fantastically interesting.
If you get sucked into the series the one note I'd interject is that you don't have to read the one book in the middle that follows only boring characters. Someone can remind me which one that was but it was a true slog.
My self delusion had me thinking the entire way through: surely the next chapter we're going to jump back to one of the interesting characters. But nope, never happened.

14. Isaac Asimov - Foundation
    Genre: Sci-Fi
    I loved the first book way more than I liked the rest of the series but the whole thing is excellent as you might expect from one of the founders of the sci-fi genre. Isaac Asimov was a man born before his time and it is legit shocking how well his works stand up considering how long ago her wrote them.

15. Tolstoy - War and Peace
    Genre: Historical Fiction
    The Russians are famous for slow long winded tales and this is the epitome of that. However it would be a mistake to confuse long winded with dull.
This is a tale like a marathon through the woods every corner is new and unique, no two pieces of trail the same.
The theme of the novel is countering the great man of history theory and that actually the figure heads just happen to be in the right place at the right time, that they are merely acting out the will of the masses.
That and his observations about human nature are fascinating. I was especially amused by a particular paragraph where he broke it down by national origin.

16. Dostoevsky - Crime and Punishment
    Genre: Fiction
    A book I've heard described as more true than truth. Dostoevsky takes us into the inner most reaches of a man's soul where we watch as it writhes under the tortures of its own guilty conscience. Profound.
Also you get to sound like a genius telling people you've read a Russian with a multisyllabic name, makes you seem wicked smaat.

17. Ayn Rand - Atlas Shrugged
    Genre: Fiction
    Who is John Galt?
    Read this tome to find out. Tough as nails lady main character making it work in the business world with a compelling story.
My one piece of advice/confession is: skip the radio address at the end.
It goes on for basically a full chapter, just a recapitulating the book's message and by that stage you've already got the point.

18. Brandon Sanderson - Mistborn Trilogy
    Genre: Fantasy
    You really need the to see the whole trilogy through to get the payoff but Sanderson is a fantastic writer who is excellent at world building. If you like this and want to really nerd out you should read his stuff about how to construct a magic system in a fictional world. Yes its all made up, but the principals he lays down, if you have thoughts of writing yourself are gold.

19. Terry Goodkind - Wizards First Rule
    Genre: Fantasy
    Goodkind comes out firing on all cylinders. Lots of different cultures and characters and settings to explore. The series goes on forever, my recommendation there is to keep going until he runs out of ideas (which he does), there is some cool stuff at the end, emphasis here on some, but by that point, if you're like me you're just reading in a sunk cost fallacy of going: well, I've already come this far dammit, I'm gonna see this thing to the bitter end.
Learn from my mistake, stop when you get bored, the first 6 or so books are dynamite but when the enthusiasm peters out, just stop.

20. Tom Wolfe -  Bonfire of the Vanities
    Genre: Fiction
    And now for something completely different!
    I couldn't tell you exactly what it is about Wolfe's writing that I find compelling but it is different from what I might ordinarily read and interesting to boot.
Admittedly Wolfe has many more works than I've read but for a full sampling of what's out there in the world you should give Wolfe a read to see if its something that appeals to you and explore around from there.


Ok, well that does it for part 2
Anyone on here you think doesn't rise to the level of the other greats?
Anyone you think I've thus far neglected who might make an appearance in part 3?

Let me know.

Top Books to Read

I watched The Equalizer the other night with my Dad for father's day.
Denzel Washington plays a badass who kills gangsters, setting the world to right.
A plot point in the movie they mention briefly is that he is working his way through reading the 100 best books.

This got me thinking.

I like to think of myself as a man of letters.
How many, wondered I, of the 100 best books have I read?

So I started looking up lists.
The problem was these lists were all hot garbage 
They quickly devolved into works and authors I've never heard of.

So here I have assembled a list, of the best authors I have ever read.

Many books are worthy but had to be excluded because I have not read them.
I limited myself to using each author only once, but if you like them you should keep reading, almost all of them have many works to chose from.
This list is mostly fiction because its what I read.

This list is designed to make you both well read and interesting at parties, and is in no particular order.

So, without further ado: The Best Books 1-10!

1. J.R.R. Tolkien - The Lord of the Rings
   Genre: High Fantasy
   I am a Tolkien guy through and through, from back when I was in grade school and long before Peter Jackson made those classic movies.
   Yes, I know this is three books
   The Fellowship of the Ring
   The Two Towers and
   Return of the King
   but they are all worth reading
   Do I skip most of the songs and poems when I re-read the books? Yes because I am an uncultured clod but Tolkien is the god father of high fantasy and easily the most influential writer in my life.
   Those that really want to go deep can read go on to read the Silmarillion.
   I read that book in the sense that my eyes passed over the words, but how much did I retain or understand? ermmmm--moving on!
2. Douglas Adams - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
   Genre: Sci-Fi, Humor
   Wit and humor are Adam's specialty.
   Ever wonder where people shouting 42! at questions became a thing? Douglas Adams
   I will forever have the quote "it has the words DON'T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover."
3. Michael Crichton - Jurassic Park
   Genre: 90's Sci-Fi, emphasis on Science
   There was a time before, when genetic modification wasn't passe, it was cutting edge. Take an a look into what trouble people can get themselves into when the reach exceeds their grasp and their tenuously constructed systems come crashing down.
   Also you should watch the movie, because John Williams' score is pure genius.
4. Frank Herbert - Dune
   Genre: Sci-Fi
   Another titan here, this one of Sci-Fi.
   I re-read this one from time to time when my soul needs to be cleansed in the austere beauty of the scouring sands of Arrakis.
   The follow on books are not required, they get real trippy real fast, but for those become addicted to the life altering properties of the spice, the other books are out there for you.
   I am always amazed how approachable the language of the book is.
   The world he Herbert sets up has a lot of moving pieces in the political landscape but its manageable. 
5. Patrick Rothfuss - The Name of the Wind
   Genre: Fantasy
   The writing here is simply gorgeous.
   Scrappy, three dimensional, set in a world with blemishes and scars.
   Also his ability to write about music is a thing to behold.
   This is book one of what is supposed to be a 'trilogy', a trilogy he will never finish.
   He has book one and two and seems content to never write three, which, oddly kinda fits with the theme of the books.
6. Baldassare Castiglione - The Book of the Courtier
   Genre: Non - Fiction
   Wow does this kid have a fun last name.
   Anyway, this guy was trying to teach people how to be the life of the party in medieval times (1528).
   The advice: never fight a guy whose smaller than you because at best congrats, you beat a guy smaller than you and at worst you just lost to a guy smaller than you.
   Yeah, that was this guy.
   Sprezzatura
7. Sun Tzu - The Art of War
   Genre - Non - Fiction
   How come they never want you to read the interesting stuff in school?
   Sun Tzu boiled down the principals by which every successful army has operated by since time immemorial.
   He is short and sweet with a cleared eyed view of reality that brooks no bullshit.
   Still read by business people the world over today.
8. JK Rowling - The Harry Potter Series
   Genre: Fantasy
   I do not care what you think of her political opinions, do not let that keep you from enjoying this stunning world she built, responsible for getting kids into reading in numbers mere mortal authors can only dream of.
   This is another one where I am not recommending a book per se but a series but I think if you read the first one you won't be able to put it down and will compulsively 
   The works get progressively more complex as the characters age and are fantastic (Pun!) but explore all kinds of classic themes with approachable language.
9. Susan Collins - The Hunger Games
   Genre: Dystopia
   Strong female protagonist in a battle royale who is a complicated figure.
   Great writing gives the story a blistering pace with never a dull moment. A quick easy read.
10. Milton - Paradise Lost
    Genre - Poetry
    Lead character? Satan himself.
    Talk about a compelling and interesting persona.
    From his arguments to sway the angels, to the descriptions of hell and the building of his fortress there, Pandemonium.
    His realization that he is cast out of heaven and swears eternal vengeance and spite is hair raising.
    You don't have to read the next piece Paradise Regained but Samson Agonistes is worth a read.

Ok, that does it for the first 10
Because, again, this list is not in order, stay tuned for the next round
where we unveil who else made the cut!

But I'm curious how many of these first 10 have you read?
Do any of them not belong in the Pantheon of the greats?
Let me know what you think.

Moving Step 1: Close PO Box

Last Night

Me: I would like to cancel my PO box

Website: If you want your key deposit back you have to turn in the keys at the post office you got them from

Today

Me: I would like to cancel my PO box

Them: Hmm, well you get a refund of $45, but that requires a money order and we don't have any money orders

<while on phone to supervisors> we may have to send you to the downtown location.

Me: website said I had to return the keys here.

Them: ok, we're going to take down your info and someone is going to call you with something at some point.

Me: sigh

Granted, this is not the post lady's fault. But why is nothing ever easy?

also: I don't actually know exactly what a money order is. I assume it's like a check.

Rule 4: Bad Directions

 A car arrives at a standard intersection.

It is night time in suburbia and there are no other cars around.

The driver (a remarkably good looking and intelligent man in his mid thirties)

begins to turn right after stopping and signaling.

Lady in the back: No! No! No!

Driver: No, no, no?

Lady: <Pointing> That way.

Driver: <looks in rearview>

The car aborts its right turn to turn left.

Lady: NO!

Driver: ???

Lady: THAT way! <pointing>

The car aborts its left turn and goes straight.

The car travels about half a mile 

before reaching the end of the road as it is a dead end.

Driver: Is this it?

Lady: No. [name of street]

Driver: This isn't [name of street] this is [whatever].

Lady: [name of street]

The car turns around.

The car proceeds back to the original intersection.

The car makes the turn it tried to make the first time.

The car reaches the destination in short order.

I don't mind taking directions.

But if you're giving me directions:

Don't be wrong.

Rule 5: I'm not an Ambulance

 People who request ubers are going all sorts of different places.

To work, to home, to a party, to the airport, to downtown.

This includes a lot of trips to various hospitals.

Mostly this is staff.

Hospitals require a shocking amount of staff.

Doctors and nurses of course,

but also all the cleaning crew people, the facilities guys who keep the lights on,

management and administration.

Hell, just the food department alone has an army of people.

You've got the cafeteria folks who cook the food for the general pop,

you've got the nutritionists who tell you that you can only have food that tastes like cardboard before your heart surgery (if indeed you're allowed to have food at all)

the patient services folks who put together the trays of food for all the patients in the hospital which can be thousands of trays a day,

the people who deliver those trays to the rooms,

as well as the chefs, cooks, porters who do the cooking.

Which doesn't even mention all the managers to keep things on track.

This is all to say that if your destination is listed as a hospital I'm not immediately freaking out.

Because if you're going to the hospital, chances are you're staff, not a patient.

However.

On occassion someone does need to get to the hospital

for pressing medical reasons.

When a young lady climbs into the car on a sunny spring day 

and is a bit brief and weezy in her greeting

I don't think anything of it.

But when she continues to wheez laboriously in the back,

and I see that the destination is the nearest hospital

-specifically the emergency entrance of said hospital-

Now you've got my anxiety up.

I can feel the atmosphere tighten as you silently urge me to catch every green light.

Every second we're stopped in traffic drags on.

Please,

I am not an ambulance.

I do not have any particular medical training.

If you want to get to the hospital,

call 911.

They have a bunch of dudes on standby for just this reason.

With big trucks and flashing lights that let them cut through traffic.

I have a black compact sedan.

I get it,

ambulances are shamefully expensive,

ubers are cheap.

But I can't set a land speed record getting you to the doctors,

I'm just a guy.

And it freaks me out having you pin your hopes of continuing to live

on me and the whims of the traffic gods with no warning.

Uber Observations: Social Media

Just to give you the flavor of the kind of guy I am:

I don't have facebook.

Well, that's not entirely true,

I have an account, 

I just never bother looking at it.

So it stuns me the amount of time 

people spend talking about social media.

I have taken people on 30minute trips where they spend the whole time

discussing, dissecting, and analyzing social media.

And by people,

I mean women.

Based on the conversations I've overheard driving for Uber

Social media is endlessly fascinating to women.

And the most amusing thing is how dismissive women are of men.

I almost never hear women discussing men on social media,

why?

Because as far as I can tell women have figured out 

that there is nothing to figure out about men online.

Why did Steve say X on facebook?

Pretty simple.

It because he was either: Horny, hungry, or sleepy.

Great, 

analysis complete.

Men have been solved.

Really, the only interesting subjects to women on social media are other women.

A single posted picture has an entire universe of questions attached to it.

Why did she post a pic of herself in that outfit at this time? 

Is she trying to flirt with Katie's Ex?

Isn't that top a bit low and that skirt a bit high?

Is she trying to one up Susan for being mean to her last week?

Why didn't she share this photo with Jenn?

Is Jamie being sarcastic, joking, or sincere in the comments?

Wasn't that taken on the night she said she wasn't feeling well enough to go out?

Why did Kira like the post but not comment?

It seems the masculine approach to social media is about as sophisticated as a light switch.

On.

Off.

But women need a technical manual thicker than the spec sheet on NASA's Curiosity Rover. 

Rule 3: Headphone Allergies

There is a disease out there, ravaging the lives of millions.

It attacks their brain, making them incapable of enjoying things they once loved.

I'm speaking, of course, of headphone allergy.

Sure,

it sounds like a joke at first.

But when you can no longer wear headphones and want,

nay,

need to blast all audio out of your phone at maximum volume

the suffering begins.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Lets start with: what are headphones?

Headphones are those miracles of modern technology that allow you to transmit,

through a cable or beam through bluetooth, 

the sound from your phone directly to your ears.

This means not everyone in the world has to hear what is going on;

just you.

Headphone allergy totally prevents that.

It causes a <medical science> in the <brain part> that <medical science> and <medical science>.

Now that we understand what it is and how it works, 

it is important to note their are different flavors of the disease.

Drama

In this flavor of headphone allergy the sufferer will get into the uber car

and immediately start calling everyone on their contacts list.

On speaker phone.

When they get ahold of someone they then start chatting

about who is sleeping with who, 

or 

my recent medical conditions with in depth descriptions, 

or 

what would happen if I really lost my temper with this gal, 

or whatever other highschool drama

everyone gets to hear both sides of the conversation.

It also means if I turn the music up to try and block you out,

you just talk louder and all we get to hear is discordant mess,

or you tell me with varying levels of exasperation to turn the music down,

because can't I see you're on the phone?

Rap

The second flavor of headphone allergy makes the sufferer crave bad rap.

The kind that drops the N-bomb multiple times in the opening lines

has the lyrical sophistication of a brick,

and was written (and performed) by a guy 

who sounds like he dropped out of grade school 

after flunking a vocabulary quiz.

Man! I'm just so impressed with this guy assuring me that he's awesome I'm now convinced hes awesome!

I mean when he says:

These <N-bomb> can't handle me, 

I slept with all their <B-ladies>, 

these <N-bomb> want to be me, 

<N-bomb>, I drive a <fast car>

<N-bomb> I smoke, I drink, I drug

<responsible authorities> try to stop me

<N-bomb> I tell them <F-bird>

I'm so glad you introduced me to this amazing lyricist, 

I'm going to look this guy up when I get home!

TIK TOK

The third flavor of headphone allergy causes the afflicted to start trawling through tik tok.

I'm sure the video of an infant wailing 

after being startled by the crash of falling pots and pans

while some donkey brays laughter was entertaining the first time,

but it only gets really good after the sixth time 

when you've read all the text that flashes onscreen.

JUMPING to that next one 

where the female robot tik tok voice reads out raunchy garbage

JUMPING to the next untold number of clips 

which were mostly warmed over memes everyone has heard 1,000 times already 

all with zero context for any of it.

Da Club

The only thing better than going to a party

is watching clips from the party filmed by your drunk friends.

Its basically like being at the club.

a club that is playing music that I've never heard of

and isn't very good

while sloshed girls shout incoherently

all mashed together and played out of tiny blown out speakers.

And if you thought the part where they were shouting "yeeaaahh!" was exciting,

just wait till you see the part were they start screaming "OOHHHH!".

Now,

the good news is,

there does seem to be a cure for this horrific condition:

Education.

Highschool and above your chances of falling prey 

to this vicious disease is significantly reduced.

But what is the rule here?

Well there are a few of rules:

Rule 3: Don't suffer from headphone allergy.

Rule 4: If you do suffer from headphone allergies, don't take uber.

Rule 5: Stay in school.

Uber Rules: Rule 2 You're Not Going to Starve

I don't mind people eating.
In fact, I'm willing to take the bold stance that people should in fact eat.
I do not think people should starve.

However there is a time and a place for eating.
The time is generally not while we're together
and the place is not in my car.

And yet there are countless times I've pulled up to the pickup spot,
the person is already standing on the curb ready to go -great start-
And as soon as the door shuts behind them I hear the crashing static of a Funions bag being opened.

Why?

I've been making my way here for 10 minutes.
By the looks of it you've been standing there with nothing to do the entire time.
You could have finished that bag of snacks off 10 times over.
But you waited until we were crammed together in my car.

So that I too can enjoy the smell of food I can't have and don't like?
Or the soothing sound of screaming plastic baggies 
and the chomping of your jaws that is somehow louder than the background music I have going?
Or is it so that you can leave a trail of crumbs, 
each dusted with that neon orange cheeto cheese, on my dark seats? 
Mementos of our time together that, doubtless, I will cherish forever.

Why?

If you are hungry: eat.
If you are hungry and jumping in a 20 minute Uber: wait.
Chances are you are not so calorie depleted as to expire in that 20 minutes.

Uber Rules: Rule 1 Don't Be Stinky

 Don't Be Stinky.

There are many things you could do before you jump in an Uber.

You could frolic through a field of lilacs.

You could use mortar and pestle to grind cinnamon.

You could finish a long spa day washed, showered, and delicately perfumed.

OR

You could have had me waiting long enough to where I wonder if you're going to show
finally ambling over to the car reeking from every pore of weed.

It's a small space in my car.

I do A LOT of cleaning to make sure that its clean and smells nice.

I don't smoke.

So when you clamber in after stubbing out your last Marlboro Red on my tire,
you can't smell the depths of your stench but boy, I sure can.

In fact, in obliterating all but the last necessary few brain cells you have in a THC laced fog, you have also totally overpowered the scent of clean in my car.

Now you sit oblivious to the fact that I can smell nothing but the funk of someone who hasn't showered in weeks.

Rule 1:
Don't Be Stinky

Uber Stories I

 Stories from driving Uber late night in Baltimore.

As I pull up to an apartment complex I look at the name on the account.

Vinny

You don't see to many Vinny's in Baltimore as I watch two figures emerge from the building.

A brief greeting, they climb in and we're off.

They're clearly drunk and probably high as well. 
The one guy is so baked he doesn't totally have a clear grasp of what is going on, 
but the other guy, Vinny, is still on the upswing of drinking.

Vinny: "Hey man, what music app are you using?"

Me: "Oh, its youtube music."

Vinny: "That's cool! Hey, you should play FlightVinny!"

Me: "FlightVinny?"

Vinny: "Yeah man! You'll like it."

Me: .....

Vinny: "You like [rapper I've never heard of] or [another rapper I've never heard of]? Then you'll love this."

Me: "Are you the Vinny in FlightVinny?"

Vinny: "Yeah man, I'm a rapper. You should put on [song name]."

Me: [too tired to argue, puts on FlightVinny]

Vinny: "Yeah man!" [raps along to his own music]

I wonder if when Beyoncé or Adele get in a cab they go:
"Hey can you throw on Lemonade or Hello? 

I just want to listen to myself sing."

Not what I would choose to listen to,
but honestly not the worst rap I've ever heard.

So there you go Vinny, there's your plug.

What I think New Uber Drivers Should know

You're not going to get rich.

    Uber doesn't give money away. If you're going to make it pay you're going to have to put in a lot of time and a lot of miles.

    This shouldn't really impact part timers just looking to pick up some extra spending money but something to keep in mind if you're going full time.

Clean

    People are incredibly messy. You can separate yourself from the ocean of other uber drivers by simply keeping your car clean.

    I vacuum out my car with a shop vac and then hit the floor mats, doors, and sides with some lavender scented simple green from a spray bottle and a microfiber towel.

    Every so often, once a month maybe, I hit the actual seats with a portable carpet cleaner (the kind that sprays cleaning solution and then you use a wand to suck everything up).

    I keep a bottle of windex and some extra micro fiber towels with me when I go out.

I've ridden in ubers.

My seats look nothing like their seats because I take cleaning them seriously.

I think you should keep your car clean for two reasons.

1. You're going to be spending a lot of time in the car. So spend your time in a clean place, not a filthy one.
2. This is just my feeling, but I think people are more more at ease in a comfortably clean ride, and are more likely to tip.

Gear I recommend:

1. shop vac ($40+)
2. microfiber towels ($30)
3. bissle pro portable spot cleaner ($150)
4. simple green and windex

Illusion of Clean

You can cheat on your cleaning game.

I use the febreeze air vent clips that smell like fresh laundry.

People will judge your car by what they see yes, but smell is also a huge factor that shouldn't be ignored.

People will forgive a little dirt on the floor mats if their nose is telling them the car is super clean.

I can't even begin to tell you how many people when they climb into the car tell me with impressed surprise in their voice how clean it is or how nice it smells (to which my stock reply is: "Thanks, lot's of cleaning, I can tell you.")

I think I get a 5pack for around $8 at my wholesale club and each one lasts a month. A small investment that's worth every penny.

Get All Weather Floor Mats

If it's raining people's shoes are wet.

If it's snowing people are going to track it in and its going to melt in your car.

I had a guy fall asleep and pour out nearly the entire bottle of rum he had with him, leaving me with a lake of booze on the floor of the backseat.

    In all of these cases, not to mention just regular old dirt and debris you need tough floor mats that will contain the mess people make and let you get it vacuumed up or wiped away easily.

    I invested in the premium weather-tech mats but there are lots of cheaper options out there.

Get a dashcam

Expensive, but in this day and age if shit really hits the fan the thing that can save you is dashcam video of the whole thing.

Watch Dashcam videos

I'm a bit of an oddball here, but I think it is useful to watch dashcam videos on youtube.

1. You can see the same patterns of mistakes being repeated over and over which allows you to recognize dicey situations and better prepare or, even better, avoid them.
2. Its a good to remind yourself that people are insane and have no idea what their doing.

4 ways your uber driver can tell you aren't going to tip

Members of the public often think that service industry people should be pulling out all the stops all the time in hopes of making that big fat tip.

Service industry people however, know that, in reality, not only are the vast majority of people not going to tip, they were never going to tip no matter how good the service was.

Here are 4 signs one salty driver has picked up that can tell him you're not going to tip.

Tell me you're going to tip

You're trying to coax your drunk friend into the car to get her home because she is blackout drunk and parading around like a cat with its back up but she isn't as convinced that being sensible is a good idea.

So in between shouting her name and ejaculating "Come On!" into the night you assure me with ever greater fervor that you are going to tip me more than you've ever tipped anyone in your entire life.

I look on resignedly as we both watch the clock tick my profit away. 

Finally, some ten minutes later after several failed attempts you have your friend in the car who then proceeds to use her outdoor voice to holler out exactly what song she wants to hear on the radio.

You're trying to keep me focused on the tip you're going to give me but it's hard to hear over the offkey strains of Rihanna errupting out of your friends throat. 

By the time we get to your destination your mouth is full of thanks, but now you've got your hands full getting Ms. drunk and disorderly someplace where she'll hopefully pass out peacefully. 

Any thought of tipping is gone from your mind before the car door closes.

Ironically the people who swear up and down and wax eloquent about the magnificent size of their tip are the people who never tip.

Be a Child

Children are highschool through college age. 

People who are old enough to go out in the world on their own but not yet adult enough to have broken from "the world revolves around me" thinking.

You just waited 20 minutes for an uber ride. Why? 

Because you're in the middle of no-where at 3am when all the other uber drivers have gone to bed.

So you waited for me to drive 20 minutes to come get you, then another 7 minutes because you've just realized you screwed up your location and you aren't where you told me you'd be.

When I finally find you and get you home you slump off without a backwards glance. 

After all, its way past your bed time. Any thoughts about the guy who just delivered you to your nice warm bed will have to wait until never; 

because you're a child and it is simply the duty of all adults to get you out of your binds.

Don't Speak

Me: Howdy there!

Rider: .....

Me: How 'you doing this evening?

Rider: .......

When you walk into your living room you don't greet the couch, because that wouldn't make sense.

When you summon an uber driver to take you where you want to go, same thing.

If your uber driver is basically a couch why would you tip him?

Do you tip your couch after a particularly comfy sit?

Be Running Late

You're being late means four things to me.

1. It means you won't be ready when I arrive (because you're running late) so I'm probably going to have some time to kill before you want me to be in an extreme hurry.
2. It means you'll get in in shambles and explain that you'll reward me handsomely for making time.
3. It means you're going to fill the car with that brittle stink of high anxiety the entire ride.
4. It means that when we arrive after I've set a land speed record to rescue your day you'll dash off, and with all the things you now have to catch up on who really has time to go into their phone again to tip? Besides, right now you gotta go sell the boss on how you were all set to arrive on time this time but the darned uber driver was late and then got lost on the way here and then just drove around the building in circles refusing to let you out while cackling maniacally.

End Rant

I don't want to make it out like everyone is a scumbag.

There are people I've met and talked to that I have profoundly enjoyed. People with wit and interesting ideas.

So I'll close with one final observation:

The people who don't tip by and large aren't successful. The people who do tip are.

Now, you can argue: Of course the people who tip are more successful, they have more to give away.

However I think you have it backwards, the people who tip are more successful because they just do nice things for other people even when they don't have to.

Be a person who tips.

A Toddler's Palate

 I babysat my nephew over valentines day so that my sister and her husband could go on a nice dinner date.

My nephew is two and I don't get to see him that much because he lives in California whereas I live in Baltimore.

Anyway, turns out my nephew's preferred meal of the moment is box mac and cheese.

Well, I thought to myself deviously, We're going to use this to show up my sister. No plain jane mac and cheese for my nephew! We'll sauté some carrot shavings, some caramelized onions, maybe even some fried mushrooms if we have any in the fridge. 

Flames leapt from stoves, pots rustled and clanged, fridges poured its contents onto cutting boards, where the chatter of knives sounded.

Amidst the steam and commotion tender carrot bits, lightly browned onions, and crispy mushrooms were thrown into the final pot with the listless macaroni, mixed with passion, and presented with a proud flourish to the nephew.

Who proceeded to pick through it. 

Not eating a single morsel.

His toddler fork clutched clumsily in his fist, 

sweeping in out of the dish inexpertly, 

he'd glance up at me from time to time, as if to say: 

But why have you despoiled the pristine beauty of my repast with your barbarous culinary delusions? What have I done, dear uncle, to warrant such base treatment?

So, naturally when his parents got home with a chinese food box full of steamed broccoli he proceeded to devour the entire thing.

If I didn't like him so much I'd be insulted.

Fasting: A timeline

I've just finished a three day fast of what I think is called a water fast, sort of.

Since it's my fast and I get to make the rules here are the things I was allowed:

• water
• coffee (black)
• tea (straight)

I allow coffee and tea because as far as I know neither has any actual calories in it, and are basically just bean or leaf essence dissolved in water. For my purposes this is close enough to water that I don't care.

Day Before

You eat mainly left overs trying to finish everything so that both there is less laying around to tempt you and to chew through anything that might go bad while you aren't eating.

There is a vague buzz of excitement about the task you're about to undertake. First world problems.

Day One

Oddly, this day is fairly normal.

Well, it is if you're like me and you skip breakfast and usually lunch anyway. The only real difference is that you (again if you are a strange individual like myself) don't get to put heavy cream in your coffee. You start to notice it again in the evening when you're expecting food but you can distract yourself pretty easily.

Day Two

The morning is pretty normal.

As the day progresses you notice your thoughts are getting a bit loopier, that you're having more thoughts about food and recipes and my god is it shocking how many ads are food related.

At some point you realize it's been a while since you pooped, followed quickly by the thought that yeah, that is probably correlated to not eating.

Is it really colder in here or is this some strange side effect of fasting? Or am I just imagining it? Either way let me put on some socks and gloves because my extremities are feeling a bit chilled.

You feel smaller, physically shrunken.

I don't have a scale so I don't have weight measurements, but I started wondering if I appear physically different.

Day Three

Conservation of motion.

Somewhere deep in your brain some part of you is evaluating every idea by how many calories it would take to execute and pushing all the low calorie ideas to the top of the docket and sliding the high calorie ideas to the bottom.

You'll notice the things you want to do all involve a lot of sitting. You have to do a bit of hyping yourself up before you actually get into a task that involves standing.

And by the way, don't stand up too quickly. Nothing serious but you could get a little light headed.

You're not exhausted, its just like you're in a continual state of the beginning stages of winded without the stitches on your side.

Focus starts to become more troublesome. You'll find your thoughts wandering without your notice, 50% of the time ending up on some food related issue, and holding to any one topic effortful.

All the things you've been drinking are really boring, made worse by the fact that you have to keep drinking increasing amounts to distract yourself from the hunger. You're reminded how much black coffee tastes like licking the terminals of a battery.

You start to notice how much more time you have without cooking and eating chewing up any of the clock.

Bargaining begins. When is the actual end of the fast? Does sundown count? Is it midnight? What if we cut it short by an hour? What if we start cooking now so that it will be done by the deadline? Promise we won't snack in the meantime. No one will notice.

In your head you start doing the mental math of counting down the hours until the finish line. Dreams of the meal you're going to make to celebrate the finish start swirling.

You think about sleeping. You tell yourself you'll just go to bed and when you wake up you'll have a decadent meal. But you're unable to convince yourself you're not legitimately hungry, so instead you decide to stay up until midnight, checking the clock every twenty minutes in the final hour.

You've already set up the cutting board, the knife, the condiments, all the bowls and utensils, everything is laid out for maximum efficiency.

Day After

The stroke of midnight passes and you charge into the kitchen. You want to eat everything all at once, anything you can think of sounds delicious.

The small snack you make before the main meal, a hotdog in my case, you notice your jaw feels tired already.

No matter.

You make the meal you've been dreaming of for the last several hours, and it feels great to be full. Throw on a couple of bites of snack in the aftermath just for good measure and go to bed.

I should mention that yeah I know you're not supposed to go to bed right after eating. I forget why this is but I know it isn't recommended. However the doctors who advise this clearly have no idea how good it feels to go to bed on a full stomach.

In my particular case lying in bed I noticed my heart in a funny rhythm, which was slightly disconcerting, but rolling over onto my back seemed to normalize things.

Waking up the part of your brain that was focused on calorie conservation is still on alert.

Pooping resumes, as if that first meal was fast tracked through the system.

Final Reflections

Fasting is an interesting experience.

Did this fast accomplish the goals I wanted it to?

No, I don't think it did.

I wanted to use the time to concentrate on reflecting on the past and what I wanted from the future and I did almost none of that. There is some benefit from the exercise of mind over mater but in all this fell short of the goals I set.

Personal History

 It's so much harder to pretend you're sane when you get into your thirties.

I was with a girl for 5 years, we lived together in a house she owned.

When we broke up I found myself homeless late on an otherwise unremarkable Thursday, calling a friend of mine to see if I could crash on his couch.

For reasons I cannot fully articulate I decided that every year I would dedicate three days on the anniversary to fasting and remembering. It seemed like the right thing to do.

I stand by that decision but it is damned difficult to explain to friends, let alone strangers.

"You're not drinking tonight?"

"No, I'm fasting."

"Why?"

"The personal holiday I keep that doesn't yet have a name where I fast in remembrance of the time five years of relationship crumbled into ashes and I was homeless."

Let me tell you, even people you've know since childhood will give you strange looks at that one.

It was so much easier in my twenties. Real life was still some distant concept. The objectives were pretty clear and simple. Go to class, make some gesture at doing the work they required, meet up with friends and have a good time.

That was it.

Heartbreaks were intense but short lived. The stakes were low and nothing reached deep enough to have a lasting effect. There just wasn't enough history.

 Ten years later there is just so much history everywhere.

7 Things I've learned about cleaning my car interior

 No preamble this time, we're just going to jump right in to it.

Microfiber towels

I used to use paper towels for everything but I hated all the little bits of lint they would leave floating around. Microfiber towels are a game changer. They're cheap, and reusable though you can certainly get higher quality with a higher price point. I use them for basically everything these days.

Bissell 3624 Spot Clean pro

For those of use with cloth seats this thing is amazing. It's portable, about the size of a good sized crock pot, with a long cord for connecting to distant outlets. One thing: don't go bananas on the handle. If you use two hands as I did to really press the handle into the fabric it will crack. It'll do just fine if you use one hand but not two.

Magic Eraser

I've always had a lot of trouble with streaking when I clean my windows, which drives me nuts. Partly this may be due to the towels I've used, but something I find that helps is Magic Erasers. 

Pro tip: magic eraser is just a brand name, if you want to pick up a bunch of 'magic erasers' cheap search for melamine. It's the same stuff without the pricey marketing.

Vacuum First

Vacuum the interior as the first step on your interior cleaning process, before you start cleaning the seats, or the floor mats, or windows. 

Pro tip: when you're vacuuming the sensitive areas like the radio, use a soft brush in combination with the vacuum to get all the little bits of dust and lint. The same is true for the air vents.

Clean Seats Second

If you're going to deep clean the seats with the afore mentioned Bissell do this second. Inevitably the sprayer will get solution on areas you didn't mean to, like the floor mats, which is fine if you're to clean those later anyway.

Pro tip: if you get serious use a pump sprayer for your cleaning solution. Fill the Bissell's cleaning solution tank with water. Spray the water as you suck up the cleaning solution. When everything is coming up clear through the Bissell you know you won't have any soapy residue left in the fabric.

Floor mats:

Now clean the floor mats. I have all weather mats so I just use simple green and a scrub brush.

Plastic Protector

It is amazing what plastic protector can do. I use 303 Aerospace protector and man it really livens up the plastic to looking like new again. Especially in areas that get a lot of sunlight and not too much attention like the dash. Looks great.

Pro tip: if you have all weather floor mats like I do you can use the plastic protector on them to get them looking fresh but be warned it also makes them incredibly slippery. So if you have people getting into your car you might want to warn them.

To the Bone

There is an element of masochism in endurance sports.

The essential question being: how far can I push myself? How deeply from the cup of suffering can I drink before I turn away?

I've done centuries, marathons and ultra-marathons and there is a gratification from prevailing through the pain and conquering the distance.

Which is why I think I found To the Bone strangely alluring.

To the Bone is a Netflix film that follows an anorexic girl as she goes into therapy. We meet some other characters with eating disorders along the way and at the end everything is wrapped up by fading in upbeat music.

To say that I am deeply skeptical that a serious eating disorder can be overcome so quickly is understating the matter.

However, I came away from the film thinking that the anorexic and I aren't really so different.

That drive, internally competitive, to see just how far you can starve yourself before the whole system breaks seems to me not that far from how many miles can I log. Indeed, at the upper echelons of the sport, the anorexic and the ultra runner don't even look that far apart.

What then is the difference or is there even a difference?

I would argue that endurance sports, while grueling, are at their core life affirming activities. The people drawn to running and cycling are happy when they do it. Whereas people who are drawn to eating disorders are miserable.

That the person with an eating disorder may derive satisfaction from their self-denial of food there isn't the joy you can find in people who run.